I want to be a sevant leader

So I have been reading "Lead Like Jesus" for a second time. As I was reading Chapter 6 today there was a letter and it really got me thinking about what my letter would look like when I started this journey. I decided to blog my letter for you all to read.

To Whom it May Concern,

I used to be a people pleaser. I would do anything for anyone even if it was against my morals. I would follow whoevers' lead I was with. I didn't really know who I was. I had three sets of friends the drummers, the engineers and then the outsiders. I was a different person with all three and if those three groups had to mingle I would panic as I didn't know who to be.

I was also co-dependent on my mom. My relationship to her was more important to me than myself. I would do anything for her approval even if I knew it wasn't right. I felt I was no good and no one would love me. Part of the reason why was that I was never skinny enough, blonde enough, pretty enough, or dressed like the other girls enough for her. I thought if my own mom didn't love me for who I was who would. Therefore I put up with the relationship and loved her the only way I knew how which was by doing whatever she wanted me to do.

Before really getting to know God I led with this in mind. I didn't lead to serve others. I led with a "What's in it for me" mentality. The only thing I truly wanted was love and I would go to anyone or anywhere to find it. If you didn't love me I'd try to break you down. If you didn't love me you'd better watch out because I would find some way to hurt you, not physically but emotionally or spiritually.

It still amazes me that I walked out of college with a few good friends including my husband. I had no clue who I was so how could someone else actually love me. My friend Loni was always leading by example. I remember going to her house early in the morning and find her reading her devotional and spending her quiet time with God. This was such a foreign concept to me. But now when I look back she was teaching me by example and showing me what a servant's heart was all about. I thank her for this.

As a result I failed everyone.  We may have had some successes but I have had more failures. I alone am the one to blame. I take full responsibility of my actions. For the times I have led you out of pride, fear, weariness, or bad judgment I apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I'm sorry if my people pleasing and lack of love hurt you in any way.

In the future I want to be a servant leader and lead like Jesus. I want to be held accountable. If you see me falling into my old people pleasing ways call me on it. Help me to be a better person. I want to be the person that God created me to be.

I will be a servant leader. I will love and respect others. I will serve and choose to leave my ego at the door. I am no longer afraid what others think of me. I don't care if you think I'm strange or different. Instead I'm going for what God has commanded me to do and be like Jesus.

I am not perfect. I know there will be ups and down. God tells us in his word that we will face trials. I know that it is really easy for me to slip back into my old ways of people pleasing and codependency but for this new stage of life I will remember the following scripture:

Thank you for you time.
Love His servant,
Kara